Let's lay off the food and exercise for a second, and talk about why I'm doing this to myself. As I write this, I'm acutely aware of the fact that I can't feel my legs too well, and I seem to still be sweating, in spite of the fact that I just got out of the shower. I just got home from my first attempt at a run of this particular "give-up-then-start-again" cycle of weight loss. I'm at the "start again" phase, and let me tell you, it sucks. My shins feel like a degenerate gambler half an hour after his bookie's goons caught up with him to settle a debt. My lower back is begging for reprieve and my lungs... well, let's just say that my lungs are letting me know that while quitting smoking was a great idea, never starting would have been a much better one.
Lugging around 220 pounds of heft on bad knees and a weak will is no easy feat. It's gotta be done, though. My waist has expanded out to where they only make pants in every other size. You think you're a 35? Think again, tubbo. No such thing exists. I've started considering how much my chest looks like a pair of breasts when I pick a shirt in the morning. I've started noticing that standing next to the fattest guy at the party to look slimmer is no longer an option, since I'm usually the fattest guy at the party.
Vanity, however, is not the cause for my misery - it's not good enough. If it were about looks, there are much easier ways - I could've gotten lipo, some muscle-simulating implants, and an orange tan. No, this is about pride. I need to know that I can endure this. I never want the pain to end, because it will mean that I have stopped pushing my own limits. I want to know that I'm working twice as hard, getting half the results, falling behind, choking down the agony of screaming muscles, and still going out to do it again the next morning. My run is over, and this is how I feel right now, high on endorphins and the adrenaline of having made it home instead of passing out on the sidewalk like I wanted to, with at least a solid 15 hours until I have to start thinking about oing this again. If you want the truth of what it is to drop weight, ask me how I feel about doing it all again tomorrow morning.